Thor 2: The Not-Light Planet
by kalina16
Summary: Join Thor, Loki, and Jane as they compete for screen time and character development amongst jerky fathers, crazy elves, drunk physics, and utter crack. *Spoilers!*
1. Chapter 1

**So I got around to seeing Thor 2: The Dark World, and it was amazing! Seriously, I cried buckets and laughed and overall just died. But seeing as I couldn't express my feelings in decent in-character fic, I threw all rationality to the wind and wrote this humor-lacking piece of crack at 3 am. What follows is basically my mind process of the movie, read at your own risk! *Spoilers, obviously.***

**Disclaimer: I don't own Thor, alright?! That should be obvious, otherwise the movies would be nothing but happy brotherly-feels.**

* * *

**Chapter One: Crappy Exposition and Loki is the Only Sane One. Kind Of. Not Really.**

Once upon a time, a long, long, loooong time ago, so long ago that jerky Allfather Odin wasn't even king, there were elves. Not the gorgeous perfect-hair elves of Middle Earth, or Santa's Christmas elves, or the obedient House Elves of Hogwarts, or even the knock-off elves of the Inheritance Cycle. No, these were dark elves, who lived in a dark world, with their dark evil crazy-powered warriors and badass braids (That were actually not that dark. White braids, really.) These dark elves were led by the evil drama queen Malekith, an elf with a mission to spread his darkness to the rest of the world. And rule it, assumedly. He planned to do this by harnessing the power of the Aether, otherwise known as the evil red glowy stuff that no one was really quite sure how it actually worked.

Anyhow, the great and noble warriors of Asgard could hardly let Malekith and the dark elves destroy their lives. So, led by a king who was not Odin, they engaged the dark elves in an epic battle. Several intense action sequences of elves and Asgardians dying later, the dark elves were defeated. So to ensure the survival of their race, Malekith had all his ships perform kamikaze attacks on the forces of Asgard and die. This was the best way to ensure the survival of their race, because lots of dark elves died but Malekith and some other nameless characters survived.

The last ship of the dark elves fled, and the Asgardians, believing them all dead, celebrated by destroying one of the greatest threats to the known world. Except they kind of couldn't, so they just hid it somewhere really secret and let everyone believe it was destroyed. And thus ends the epic tale of the Aether and the dark elves, never seen again! (At least until twenty minutes later into the movie.)

* * *

In the beautiful city of Asgard, everyone's favorite angst-ball of charisma stood outside of the throne room, wearily awaiting his fate. And seriously getting fed up with Asardian security.  
"Soooo Mr. Loki, in order to satisfy any kinky needs of your ravenous lunatic-fangirls-" Loki shuddered " -We're going to need to thoroughly chain you up for your audience with Odin. Not that it'd do much good, considering you could be standing there with a three-ton cannon and we wouldn't know, but you need to be chained." Loki gave a long-suffering sigh.

"If you must. Just please leave that abominable gag out this time? My greatest assets are my charming and snarky remarks, and I need to be able to talk for those." The guard shrugged.

"Fine by me. Just don't expect it to ward off any mind-scarring fanfictions anymore than you would with it." Loki turned pale. Well, paler than he already was.

"Oh sweet Valhalla, no. No no _no!_ I can't take anymore fanfictions!" He gasped for air desperately, grabbing the guard and shaking him with passion. "You don't understand! It's awful! Even worse after the Avengers! I've been tortured, abused, mistreated, sold into slavery, mind-controlled, paired with every single person in the nine realms alive or dead, and lost all sense of dignity and strength I ever had!"

"You had dignity and strength?" The guard asked, frowning. Loki stepped back, drawing himself up to full, regal height.

"_I_, puny guard, am the most dignified, majestic, charismatic, and powerful character in these films! I fight my own battles, handle my problems well-"

"Ha," the guard muttered.

"-and I have the deepest, most heart-wrenching character development out of everyone!" He paused, breathing, harshly, and then cried to the heavens. "I AM THE MIGHTY LOKI! NOT SOME PATHETIC DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!"

"Allllrighty then," the underpaid and really quite confused guard said, a bit nervously. "Time to kick off the plot with a nice little chat with your dad!" Loki growled.

"He's not my father!" Then his expression changed to one of glee. "Wait, kick off the movie? You mean the plot starts with me? I get shown before Thor?"

"Ummm…yes?"

"HA!" Loki cried. "I knew it! I finally assume my rightful place as the main character!"

"Actually, I think that's going to be a three-way competition between you, Thor, and that Jane chick, but sure, whatever makes you happy," the guard said wearily as he dragged a now-sexily-chained Loki into the Allfather's throne room.

* * *

"MY SON!" Odin roared.

"Not your son," Loki muttered, sulking. Odin, of course, ignored him.

"YOU HAVE DISGRACED THE FAMILY!"

"Not my family!"

"YOU HAVE BROUGHT DISHONOR ON YOURSELF, DISHONOR ON THE FAMILY, AND DISHONOR ON YOUR COW!

"_Not my fam-_ wait, what cow?"

"DO NOT SPEAK BACK!" Odin took several deep breaths, calming down, and cleared his throat. "Yes, and you are a horrible son and I should have left you to die as the pathetic baby you were, you disgraceful rat."

"Wow," Loki said, staring at Odin, impressed. "You jerky-father level has increased even more this movie. I didn't think it was possible."

"YES, WORTHLESS SON!" Odin cried, laughing. "And I get to be a jerk to your brother, too! Again. But this time I get to totally disregard the life of the woman he loves, let my hatred blind me, and shoot at him and his friends! Ahahaha!"

"Alllllright, you may be _slightly_ more unbalanced than I am, and that's really saying something." Loki then tilted his head, considering. "On the other hand, I may be the most _balanced_ person in this movie. I am, after all, the one who gets us out of Asgard, comes up with all the brilliant plans,-"

"Hey, I cOme up with the plan to break you out!" Both Loki and Odin jumped around to stare at the somehow-there Thor poking his head out from behind one of the great pillars.

"Go away!" Loki said. "It's not your intro yet! You're stealing my screen time!"

"Yeah!" Odin echoed. "I need to focus my obviously over-exaggerated jerkiness on Loki right now!"

"Fine, fine," Thor huffed. "I'm not stupid, though. Just saying."

"GO AWAY!" Both Loki and Odin cried. Thor rolled his eyes then disappeared in a cloud of lightning and gorgeous hair, off to prepare for his epic entrance to the movie.

"Perfect-haired brat," Loki muttered.

"Morally correct, close-up-scene-stealing jerk." Odin huffed. Loki raised an eyebrow.

"You have a _lot _of nerve to be calling someone a jerk. At least Thor has the decency to cry over my de-"

"SPOILERRRRSSSSSS!" Odin roared. "STOP DERAILING THE PLOT!"

"THERE IS NO PLOT IN THIS MADNESS!" Loki roared back. "We're being used as cheap, unfunny, therapy to attempt to heal the authoress' emotionally distraught soul!"

"Stop breaking the fourth wall, failure!"

"The fourth wall's already been wrecked to pieces!"

"AUGGHH I can't take you anymore, pathetic trash! I should have left Frigga to deal with you! Guards! Drag him to the dungeons!"

"Oh thank goodness," Loki huffed. "I was about to go mad in your despicable presence." The underpaid guard sighed, grabbing him by the arm and leading him out of the throne room.

"Wait!" Loki cried, his face dissolving into panic. "No! I need more screen time! The authoress is about to introduce her favorite character and then I'll get shoved to the side! Alone! Neglected!"

"It's alright," the guard said, patting Loki comfortingly. "She still loves you. You'll get more scenes. She won't even torture and abuse you!"

"Hardly a comfort," Loki grumbled as he was dragged off.

"Farewell, my useless son!" Odin cried cheerfully. "Have fun rotting the dungeon!"

"You know," Loki yelled as he was dragged through the hall. "For being named the All_father_, you really SUCK AT PARENTING!"

"Oh, stop whining and let the authoress give Thor-of-the-perfect-abs and his badass warrior friends a chapter."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Loki and Odin cried, mourning the loss of their short-lived screen time.

* * *

**Next Chapter: Sif proves that she is a strong, independent female who doesn't need a man, angst rules supreme, and Th****or attempts to nail a perfect entrance!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Advice: If you ever have writer's block, take to writing parody. It's unbelievably fun! Second chapter out in record time, hope you enjoy! Reviews are appreciated :)**

* * *

**Chapter Two: Thor Makes an Epic Entrance, Sif is Awesome, and Odin's Still a Jerk**

As Loki was dragged off to be locked up in his golden-glowy dungeon of no privacy whatsoever, Sif, awesome warrior-ess of strength, beauty, and typical perfect Asgardian hair, was being a total badass. Or at least that's what she told herself as she majestically kicked an enemy's face in.

"Take that, filthy scum!" She cried as fought her way through the hordes of enemies that weren't dark elves. We swear, they're coming back eventually. But that's besides the point. The point is that Sif is one AWESOME WARRIOR LADY!

"Ha!" She laughed as she speared some poor guy in the gut. "Look at my awesome moves, my unchallenged prowess. I am definitely the most awesome here. Thor hasn't even gotten any screen time! It's mine, all mine!"

But alas for Sif, because she had spoken too soon. For just as she turned to stab another victim, the sky erupted into an awesome lightning show of white-glowiness that blinded the audience. The music turned dramatic and the lightning tornado whirled, out shot the well-loved hammer Mijyolnnrijdfgsfdathks, and the light died down to reveal, in an epic swell of music…

Gorgeous hair! Perfect, muscular arms and abs! (Unfortunately covered.) Piercing blue eyes! THOR!

"Geez, someone's excited," Sif muttered, sulking at the loss of her awesome scene.

"Oh, shut up," hissed the authoress. "He's gorgeous and you know it."

"Hmph,"Sif sniffed (hehe), turning away.

Meanwhile, the god of thunder stood regally surveying his enemies. On the outside, he looked the perfect picture of godly-warrior-princeness. Inside though, he was secretly doing a victory dance for his awesome epic entrance. And wishing Loki was at his side. And wishing he was back on Midgard with Jane. And Steve. And Bruce, and Tony, and Natasha, and Clint, and poptarts, and-

"Thor! For the love of Odin, stop standing there and get your princely butt fighting!"

"Dangit, Sif, I was angsting!"

"No one cares but the fanfiction writers, Thor!" Volstagg hollered from where he was decapitating someone.

"And all they really seem to care about is Loki," Fandral muttered darkly, stabbing with fervor.

"Besides," Hogun chimed in. "Sif's angsting and she's not staring into space!"

"WHAT?!" Sif screeched angily. Thor immediately looked concerned, turning face Sif as he nailed a guy with his hammer.

"You're plagued by the horrible angst as well? Sif, whatever for?"

"Seriously, Thor?" Fandral yelled as he whirled and kicked. "You haven't noticed her tragic, unrequited love for y-"

"BATTLE!" Sif cried desperately. "We are in the middle of a battle, men, get yourselves together!"

The Warriors Three grumbled, returning to their hacking, and Thor smirked.

"I'll show you 'together'." He then proceeded to utterly demolish the enemy troops with Myolgismoffsfjk, smashing through soldiers with ease.

"Awesome, awesome, awesome," he muttered as he hammered his way through enemies. "Look at all this awesome screen time, these epic battle sequences-"

"HA!" Sif cried triumphantly. Thor whirled around to find Sif standing with an arrow through her shield, an insufferable smirk on her face.

"Nice, Sif," Thor monotoned. "You got an arrow through your shield."

"No, stupid," she hissed. "I saved your life! That's plus ten badass points for Sif!"

"Curses!" Thor swore, returning to battle. Though secretly he was very, very thankful for Sif. It would have seriously sucked to get an arrow to the head, even if it meant more screen time.

"Um, guys?" Volstagg said nervously. Thor, Fandral, Hogun, and ten-points-closer-to-badass-Sif all turned. The mighty warriors paled.

"Is that some sort of reject monster from Lord of the Rings?" Fandral asked weakly, staring at the giant rock monster thingy. The group gulped.

"I don't know, but that's only one of our problems- anyone else notice we're surrounded by heavily armed enemies?!" Hogun cried.

"Yeah seriously, where in the nine realms did the rest of our army go?" Thor muttered.

"Useless men," Sif muttered. "Told you we needed an army of women."

"Shut it, Sif!" Volstagg hissed. "Time to resort to the eternal fall-back plan: Thor, save us!" Thor huffed.

"Fine, fine." He strode forward confidently, ignoring the obnoxious laughter of the not dark elves (they come back, I swear!). Stopping at the feet of the hideous rock beast-

"I'm not hideous!"

"Shut up, you don't get any lines! It's not even established whether or not you can speak in the movie!"

"Accursed authoress," the rock monster muttered.

"Ahem!" Thor cleared his throat, desperately trying to re-rail the plot. The hideous beast's attention returned to him, Thor grinned. "I will accept your surrender now."

"Rats," Sif spat. "That's like, seven badass points right there."Fandral rolled his eyes.

"What do you expect? He is-_Great Odin's Beard!"_ Sif, the warriors three, the not dark elves, and the suddenly mysteriously returned Asgardian forces all gaped in awe as Thor smashed the ugly rock monster into tiny, pathetic bits.

"Yayyyy!" cheered the Asgardian forces.

"Noooo!" moaned the not dark elves.

"Dangit!" cried Sif.

"Suck it, Sif!" Thor laughed. "That's fifty badass points plus screentime!" Then, turning to the not dark elves' forces, "The surrender offer still stands?" Needless to say, they all took it. Because Thor is awesome like that. And no one fancied a hammer to the face.

* * *

Hogun sighed happily. "Well, that went fantastically! Great entrance for us; plus we saved my people!" Sif, Thor, and the Warriors Three minus one all turned to him in surprise.

"These are your people?" Thor asked.

"I didn't know you had a people," Volstagg said, then choked as Sif elbowed him in the gut.

"Yup!" Hogun said proudly. "The great people of Vanillaheim!" He frowned. "Wait, that sounds wrong."

"That's 'cause it's not Vanillaheim, stupid. It's obviously Vanellopeheim." Fandral huffed.

"Ummm I'm not sure that's right either, Fandral."

"I'm with Thor. Everyone knows we're on Vanhanathim."

"Volstagg, that's ridiculous. Every realm ends in –eim!"

"ALRIGHT!" Hogun yelled. "Obviously, the authoress has forgotten the exact name of my home world. Let's get on with the plot."

"Yes! To Asgard!" Thor cried. "Except you, Hogun. You can have some vacation time with your people."

"Yay!" Hogun pumped his fist in the air. Then-"Aw crap. There goes my screen time."

* * *

Back in the beautiful city of Asgard, Disney Princess Odin sat on a balcony, surrounded by his feathered companions, the crows. Or ravens. Or whatever. Anyways, Disney Princess Odin stared longingly into the distance, gave a deep sigh, opened his mouth, and-

"_Father?!_" Perfect moment ruined, Odin whirled around.

"WHO DARES DISTURB- oh, it's my slightly less useless son." Thor rolled his eyes.

"Nice to see you too, father. I just finished cleaning up all the mess in the nine realms for you, by the way."

"Excellent, son! I'll be sure to buy you an extra expensive birthday present."

"My birthday was last week, father. You yelled at me about how humans die in a blink of an eye then sent me off to fight a dragon."

"Errrrr right," Odin said awkwardly. "Well, the past is the past! Party and be merry!"

"Thanks, but no thanks," Thor sighed. "I have other things to attend to."

"If you mean your pathetic longing over that ridiculous mortal, you're going on the disgrace list."

"I've been on and off the disgrace list my whole life! You can never decide! You once put me on the disgrace list because I coughed during a meeting! I really couldn't care less!" Thor exploded.

"HOLD YOUR TONGUE, BOY! Or it's back to Midgard for you!" Thor's face lit up.

"Yes please! I am the disgracest of disgraces ever! Alas, you must banish me to Midgard! Hear the shattering of my heart!" Odin leveled Thor in a glare.

"Nice try, but all I hear is a bunch of B.S. Now go make out with Sif and we can all be happy."

"Stupid fathe-wait, _what?!_"

And that concludes the second chapter of-

"WAIT! Where am I?!" Loki cried. "Where is my heartbreaking scene with Frigga? Where is Frigga period?"

Um, well, you see…the authoress can't exactly remember when that scene is? Besides, she can't make that into crack! It's too sad!

"Oh suck it up! Thor got a cameo last chapter, I deserve one here! Plus, it's a character defining moment!"

Fine, fine! Meanwhile, in the depths of Asgard's golden glowy dungeons, Loki sat by Frigga, eating huge cartons of ice cream.

"Thanks for the ice cream, mother."

"Of course, dear. Ice cream makes everything better. Accept the rest of your family and apologize, please?"

"Heck no!"

"You little shit." Frigga disappeared. Loki pouted.

"Well, at least it's screen time. And angst points!"

* * *

**Next Chapter: Jane tries to get over Thor by hiding behind a menu, Darcy hires her husband, and the dark elves are revealed? Maybe.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter three, up and running! Wrote it on my Iphone, so I apologize for any errors! Reviews are appreciated, enjoy! :)**

* * *

**Chapter 3: Jane Goes On a Kind-of-Date, Physics Gets Drunk, And Darcy Gets a Love Interest**

The camera panned to show the significantly less awesome world of Midgard, otherwise known as earth. Focusing on a lovely city full of normal people and normal buildings, little white letters informed the geographically-challenged audience that they were now in London, England.

"THANK ODIN!" The U.S.A cried in joy.

"Thank you sweet goodness, it's not us!" a U.S. official wept. "Between Thor One, the Avengers, and all three Iron Man movies, these dang superhero movies have cost us zillions!" His assistant chimed in.

"Especially if you want to include DC comics and count the Dark Knight movies and Man of Steel-"

"AGH! DON'T MENTION THAT MOVIE! OR DC COMICS!" The official looked around nervously. "This is Marvel, you moron! We can't mention DC comics! We'll be slaughtered!"

"Right, right," the assistant muttered.

"The point is, the property damage is Britain's now! Haha, suck it U.K.!"

"Rats," Britain muttered, as they prepared for the devastating potential damage hinted at in the trailers.

Meanwhile, Jane Foster, gorgeous girlfriend-of-a-god and science woman extraordinaire, was in a bit of a predicament. You see, when you become the girlfriend of someone as awesome as Thor, and then get zero contact for the next two years, it tends to do things to your mental stability. Which is why she found herself in a fancy schmancy restaurant, trying to get over Thor with a...seriously less attractive guy. Really, Jane? You can do better than that.

"Oh, shut up!" Jane cried from behind her bomb-shelter made of menus. She peeked over the top, adding another menu to the reinforcement. "A hotter guy would only take away from my screen time! I have some serious catching up to do, you know!" Her poor date buried his head in his hands.

"Jane, seriously, you're nice and all, but I'm slightly concerned about your level of commitment...and sanity in general."

"Oh hush, darling, now help me make Thor jealous enough to come back from Asgard," Jane said sweetly. Thankfully, her nameless date was saved by the random appearance of Darcy. (Still possessing no interaction with Loki, dangit.)

"Jane!" She yelped, shoving a fancy sciencey device into her face, knocking over menus. "Science and physics and crap! Come investigate like the awesome science woman you are!"

"Hush, Darcy," Jane said, rolling her eyes, restacking the menus. "Can't you see I'm in the middle of making Thor jealous? I don't have time for that!"

"But Jaaaaane!" Darcy whined. "The plot!"

"Who cares about the plot!" Jane exclaimed. "All _I'm_ concerned about is that right now, I'm getting screen time, and neither Thor nor Loki are here to steal it! Ha!"

"Odin help us all," Darcy muttered. "Her Thor-withdrawal is worse than I thought."

"Can I _please_ leave?" Jane's nameless date begged.

"No!" Jane snipped. "We're obligated to at least give you a minute of screen time, otherwise no one's going to recognize you when you come back later."

"I come back?"

"_Jane!_" Darcy was getting very fed up with the plot derailment, even if she was getting screen time. "This could help get Thor back!" Jane froze.

"Thor…back?" Her face lit up with the light of a thousand suns. "What the heck are we sitting here for, then? Let's go!" She stood up, grabbing Darcy and running towards the door. "Goodbye, date. I'll call you. Maybe." Nameless date sighed.

""Well, at least I can say I went out with Natalie Portman."

* * *

"So apparently there's this freaky floaty-anomaly thing going on in an abandoned building that only these random kids have discovered," Darcy explained to Jane as they drove down the London streets. "Oh, and this is Intern. Say hi to Jane, Intern."

The cute British boy in the back of the car waved. "Hi, I'm Ian, actually. Random assistant and probably love interest!"

"For who?" Jane asked, confused.

"For me, stupid!" Darcy hissed. "Duh!"

"But I thought you were Loki's future love interest!"

"What? I've never even met the guy! Plus he fake-killed your guy! And a lot of guys in New York! And girls, too!"

"But…you guys would be perfect together!"

"Yeah, well canon and Marvel said suck it, fangirls! Besides, I get cute British Intern here."

"I'm _right here,_ you know."

"Oh hush, Intern. Here we are!"

Jane, Darcy, and Intern stepped out at the abandoned building. A group of kids strode forward intimidatingly, all dressed in black.

"What do you want, science nerds?" the lead kid asked.

"Excuse me?!" Jane cried. Darcy stepped forward.

"We're here to see the drunk physics, punk." The kid narrowed his eyes.

"And how do we know you're not the police?"

"You _honestly_ think these people could get hired as police?" Ian sighed. "Plus, they're obviously American, which, while that would normally mean you can't trust them, they're obviously softies, so you can. Plus, they'll buy you lunch."

"Heh?" Darcy and Jane exclaimed. The kid smirked and nodded.

"Deal! Right this way!"

"But Internnnnnnn, I don't wanna buy kids lunch!" Darcy moaned.

"It's Ian, and come on. One lunch versus important science stuff!"

"It's still a lunch."

"Ian has a point, Darcy," Jane sighed as she started after the kids. "Sacrifices must be made for the might cause of science!"

"_That's_ the god of thunder's girlfriend?" Ian whispered to Darcy as they followed.

"Yup!" she replied. "And you're about to be my boyfriend, sucker, so I wouldn't say anything."

* * *

"Observe!" The lead kid declared dramatically, dangling a bottle over the edge of the stairway. He then dropped the bottle. Darcy, Jane, Intern, and the rest of the kids all stared intently at the bottle as it fell gracefully, gaining momentum as it-

"Disappeared?!" Jane cried, shocked. Then- "And reappeared?!"

"Woah," Intern breathed.

"That is some seriously drunk physics right there," Darcy muttered.

"A truly magnificent scientific mystery," Jane echoed solemnly. They all stared gravely.

"Let's throw more stuff down!" Darcy cried.

"Yeahhhhhh!" everyone cheered, lobbing everything they could get their hands on into the drunk physics portal.

"Shoes!"

"Coke cans!"

"Socks!"

"M&M's!"

"Car keys!"

"WHAT!"

"I'm gonna go check out whatever's making my contraption go all blinky, guys!" Jane called as she wandered down the corridors. Except no one heard her, because everyone was too busy throwing stuff, chanting

"Physics! Physics! Physics!"

"Children," Jane muttered, walking down abandoned halls. The beeping intensified, wind stirring the leaves by her feet.

"Creepy, creepy, creepy," Jane muttered. "Don't go in the dark evil room, Foster!" She paused. "Wait, if I do go in, I could potentially get more screen time! Hello darkness, my old friend!" And with that, she plunged into the room!

But it wasn't a room! It was a….uh…a portal actually, leading to…some really creepy place? Meh, probably some place that ends in –eim.

"Woah," Jane breathed, gazing at the huge stone structure. "This feels like really a important plot moment!" She peered in the small crack in the giant stone, frowning at the red glowy stuff.

"Hmmmm looks dangerous….let's put my hand in! Nothing could possibly go wrong!" She laughed, sticking her hand in. And then the evil red stuff swarmed her hand and dissolved into her body.

"AGHHH!" Jane shrieked. "Something went wrong!"

"I really don't know what you were expecting," the evil red glowy stuff said. Then Jane dramatically passed out! Cue freaky scene transitions!

"GAH!" Jane gasped, waking up in the normal world. She stumbled to her feet, walking back the way she came.

"Darcy? Intern? Weird Kids?!" No answer. Jane huffed. "They left me. Jerks."

She sprinted out the door running into the cloudy air and-

"Oof!" She gasped as the air was knocked out of her.

"JANEEEEE!" Darcy squealed. "You're not dead!"

"No duh," Jane gasped, ducking out of Darcy's hug.

"Oh by the way I called the police."

"What?!"

"And you were missing for five hours."

"_What?!_"

"And it's raining except we're still dry."

"WHAT!" Jane rubbed her head. "Too many science anomalies…" Darcy frowned.

"Yeah seriously. And look at this rain. And thunder." Jane grimaced.

"Better talk to the police now-"

"And all the thunder, Jane."

"-I'll need to set the place up for research-"

"_Thunderrrrrrrrr._"

"Darcy, I hear the thunder! What-"

Then she froze. And the world held its breath. She turned. The world continued to hold its breath. She raised her eyes, ever so slowly. The world began to turn blue. And there, standing in a halo of perfection and beauty was-

"_**THORRRRRRRR!11!**_" Jane shrieked, rushing towards her love.

"JANE!" cried the love struck thunder god.

"THOR!"

"JANE!"

"_Thor!_"

"_Jane!_"

"Oh, Thor!"

"Jane!"

And then she leapt into his arms, he swept her into an embrace, and their lips met in a passionate reunion of long-denied love and fireworks exploded-

"WAIT!" the screenwriters cried. "We're denying them kissing time until Asgard! Slow romance build!"

"Dangit!" Thor and Jane muttered, breaking apart.

"Right! Let's go with a slap!"

"Sorry, baby," Jane said sadly.

"It's alright, dearest love," Thor said resignedly. And then Jane double smacked him in the face!

"Nice reunion," Darcy snickered.

"Shut up," Thor and Jane hissed. Intern and the police just stared. An officer cleared his throat.

"Ummm…okay then! Miss, we're gonna need to arrest you!" he said as he moved to handcuff Jane.

"No!" Thor cried, moving to stop him. But he was soundly beat to it by the evil glowy stuff.

"HRAAGGHHH!" Jane roared as evil red glowy stuff exploded out of her, soundly kicking the police's butts.

"Dang," Thor whistled. Jane moaned from where she lay dazedly on the ground.

"Urrghhh…that counts as badass points, right?"

"Whatever works for you, love," Thor said as he picked her up.

"Hey! You can't leave with her!" The police cried. "She's dangerous!"

"So am I," Thor said smirking.

"Coolness points," Jane muttered dazedly.

"To Asgard!" Thor cried as he summoned the rainbow bridge of awesomeness.

"Yayyy!" Jane cheered.

"Noooo!" The police moaned.

"Dangit, take me with you, brats!" Darcy cried.

* * *

**Next Chapter: Odin takes a level in jerkishness, Jane has a terminal disease, Loki fights for screen time, and the dark elves return for real!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four, up and running! Thank you so much to all the lovely people who took the time to write reviews; you guys are the best!**

* * *

**Chapter Four: Thor and Jane Play Mario Kart, The Dark Elves Finally Awake, And Odin Is (Yet Again) a Jerk**

Deep in the golden glowy dungeons of Asgard, Loki and Thor sat on the floor playing chess.

"Well this makes sense," Loki said flatly as he moved a pawn.

"Yeah, last I remembered I was taking Jane back to Asgard. How'd I get here again?" Thor asked, moving his knight.

"Beats me, she's probably pulling some Inception crap on us. Not that I'm complaining. Screen time!"

"You are hopeless. Now kiss your rook goodbye!"

"Dangit, Thor! Why are we playing chess, anyways?"

"Because chess is awesome and all great bromances in the movie industry play it together?"

"Oh yeah? Name one."

"Charles Xavier and Erik Lensherr, Jim Kirk and T'gshdshgd…Spock…"

"Okay, fine, it's a cliché bromance game. Ha! There goes your pawn!"

"Curses! Loki, you sneak."

"Hehehe. So even if this is some freaky Inception dream, why are you here? And why are we getting along?"

"Because we're awesome brothers of awesomeness?"

"Well duh, that's a given. But wasn't it already established that you never came to visit me?"

"Well, yes, but only because I've been in every other realm possible fighting stupid battles! Otherwise I'd have visited you every day!"

"Aw, and here I thought you were a jerk."

"Thanks, brother. And I still haven't forgiven you for stabbing me, by the way."

"Aw, come on, it was a little slice of love!"

"Loki, I swear."

* * *

Deep in the deep depths of deep space, the Teen Titans Tower floated around aimlessly. Ahem-I mean the dark elves' evil ship of death. Despite its peaceful appearance, however, inside a great evil was reawakening.

"I LIVEEEE-oof!" Malekith's cry of triumph was abruptly cut off as he face-planted to the floor.

"Dangit," he muttered. "Knew I should have taken a stretch break every century or so."

Standing up, he shakily made his way to an observation deck.

"And now, my minions," he thundered majestically. "Our time has come again! Awake, my brethren!"

He was met with a cacophony of snores.

"Ahem," he cleared his throat irritatedly. "I _said,_ AWAKE!"

More snores.

"Blast it all, you lazy slugs!" the mighty Malekith swore. He made his way to the ship's control panels, muttering all the way.

"Bloody sleeping elves-oof! Stupid Asgardians-asleep for centuries-I'm way too majestic for this slave labor-" he continued his angry ranting until he reached the panel.

"Alright then! Let's see, let's see…" he flicked a few random switches, bringing the ship's displays to life. Majestically, of course.

"Hmm…Justin Beiber-no…Kesha, no….Lady Gaga, maybe-no…oooohh Miley Cyrus! Wait, no…ah! Perfect!" A wicked spread across Malekith's face as he put his majestic earplugs of doom in and clicked play.

"OOOO-OOO-OOOOHHHHHH, YEAHHHHH-YEAH-YEAHHHHH," Music blasted through the ship, and the sleeping elves began to stir uncomfortably.

"SEVEN AM WAKIN' UP IN THE MORNING, GOTTA BE FRESH GOTTA GO DOWNSTAIRS," The eyes of all the dark elves popped open in synchronized horror.

"No!" one cried, but alas, he was already too late.

"_**IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOTTA GET DOWN ON FRIDAY, EVERYBODY'S LOOKIN' FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND, WEEKEND**_!"

"AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!" All the dark elves screamed, breaking free of their freaky sleepy-things and running through the ship, desperate to escape the awful grating at their ears. Chairs were thrown, braids were ripped out, and chaos reigned supreme.

"Hehehe," Malekith snickered, safe with his ears plugged. "Serves them right, suckers."

* * *

"Now that I have your full and undivided attention," Malekith said, addressing his calmer but slightly less sane troops. "We have important matters to discuss!"

"More important than the destruction of your despicable music taste?" An elf muttered.

"Silence, worm!" Malekith boomed. "Yes, anyways, the Aether has been found!"

The crowd of elves stared blankly.

"I _said_, the Aether has been found!" Malekith hissed.

More blank stares.

"You know, the evil red glowy stuff that's going to give me-us, I mean us- world domination?"

"Ohhhh!" all the elves exclaimed.

"Why didn't you say so in the first place?"

"I assumed you all had brains," Malekith muttered. "Anyhow, it's on Asgard! I know this because despite never having actually possessed it, I formed a deep and powerful bond with the Aether so I automatically know where it is! Ha!"

"Yay!" the elves cried. Then- "Wait, Asgard?"

"Isn't Asgard, like, super-protected?" one elf gulped nervously.

"Yes, yes," Malekith said, rolling his eyes. "But we're awesome, so it won't matter. Besides, Algrim here is going to ensure our safe arrival by stabbing himself and shoving burning rocks in his wound!"

"Yay!" the elves cheered.

"Heh?!" Algrim cried.

"Sorry, Algrim," Malekith said. "This is for a great cause. Lots of sacrificy junk for the greater good and honor crap. Now, stab yourself, sneak into Asgard with a cool montage, and let's begin our attack!"

"I knew there was a catch in that offer for screen time," Algrim muttered.

* * *

Meanwhile, as Algrim got into an Asgard with a cool montage and music and crap (er-before, actually-we're going back in time a bit here-ack! Never mind!), Thor and Jane were rocketing up the rainbow bridge to Asgard.

"Wheeeeeee!" cried Jane. "This is awesome!"

"Isn't it, my love?" Thor said happily. Then, under the beautiful swirling lights of the rainbow, he leaned towards Jane, who leaned towards him, and their lips drew near, and-

"Take-a this, suckers!"

"Oof!" Thor and Jane broke apart as they were both nailed in the heads by a red turtle shell.

"What the heck, Mario!" Thor yelled. "For the last time, this is the rainbow _bridge_, not rainbow road!"

"Ah, I'm-a sorry, friends!" The red and blue plumber drove off. "Later, losers!"

"Blast it all," Thor and Jane muttered as they were deposited on Asgard, tender moment ruined.

"Ah, Thor," Heimdall said. "You have returned from once again destroying any orders your father gave you."

"Oh, whatever," Thor said. "The worst he can do is add my name on the disgrace list and banish me to Midgard again."

"I liked you getting banished to Midgard," Jane said.

"As did I, dear."

"Oh geez, take your love somewhere else," Heimdall begged.

"Fine, fine. Come along, Jane! To the Asgardian doctors!"

Thor would come to regret this decision a second later, because all the doctors really did was get shown up by his girlfriend, tell him useless junk, get blasted by his girlfriend, and bring his stupid father into the mess.

"MY SON, I FORBADE YOU TO SEE THIS PATHETIC MORTAL!"

"Excuse me?!" Jane exclaimed.

"Oh sweet Valhalla, father, can you be any more jerkish?! She was in danger!" Thor burst out.

"IT MATTERS NOT! SHE WILL DIE EVENTUALLY ANYWAYS, DISAPPEARING AS QUICKLY AS THE LAST CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE ON VOLSTAGG'S PLATE!"

"Insensitive jerk," Thor muttered.

"Can you at least find out what's wrong with me?" Jane begged. "For the sake of the plot?"

Odin paused, considering. "Alright, for the sake of the plot." Then, grabbing a giant book full of cool swirly designs, he cleared his throat and the lights dimmed.

"The disease that resides inside your stupid girlfriend's flesh is actually this evil red glowy stuff called the Aether. Basically, all you really need to know is that it's super powerful and can bring about the end of the world. Or at least a bunch of darkness. It's not entirely clear, actually…"

"But can I get it out?" Jane asked desperately.

"Nope!" Odin said cheerfully. "You're stuck with it until it drains your life-force dry, sucker!"

"WHAT?!" Jane and Thor both cried.

"I told you you should have gone with Sif!"

"Father, this is ridiculous!" Thor cried. "You must save her!

"Yeah, you must save me!" Jane echoed.

"No can do, buds," Odin snipped. "Now go away and let me enjoy my screen time."

"You're impossible!" Thor huffed. "Where in the nine realms is mother? She'll have some sense about this! And a decent sense of parenting."

"Still waiting for her long-delayed epic entrance," Frigga muttered darkly from a corner.

"Sit tight, dear, it's coming," Odin reassured her. He turned back to Thor and Jane. "Now, take this mortal and-"

_**BOOM**_!

The throne room shook.

"Aw, crap," Odin muttered. "Better go buy insurance."

* * *

Down in Asgard's glowy golden dungeons, Loki sat-

"Screen time! YAYAYAYAYAYYYY!"

Yes, now hush or you'll lose it.

"Hushing!"

Anyhow, Loki sat in his stupid white cell, bored out of his mind. He gazed at the dumb white wall, trying to decide whether he was going to decorate it by painting a picture of him ruling earth, or a picture of Odin drowning in a pit of lava. He had just decided on a lovely collage of Odin being eaten by frost giants while Loki was surrounded by cheering, adoring crowds when the poor, underpaid guard trudged in dragging a particularly ugly convict.

The convict and Loki had an epic stare down, each sizing each other up.

"Come along," the underpaid guard sighed dragging the convict, better known as now-Undead-Algrim along.

"Possibly an ally," Undead-Algrim muttered. "But definitely a brat."

"Definitely an infiltrator," Loki muttered. "Ooooohhh, I hope he kicks Odin's butt!"

* * *

**Next Chapter: The Epic Battle Begins, Some Asgardian Red-Shirts Die, Thor Shows Off His Rippling Muscles, and FRIGGAAAA!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Uhhhh hehe…I'm back! I'm so sorry for the delay! And I'm even more sorry that it's about to get worse T-T. I'm in the middle of the pre-Thanksgiving slew of tests and other torture inflicted by my teachers, and then the week after that I'm going to be weeping and dying over finals, so updates are probably going to get a bit scarce during then, so sorry! But I'll be back and updating as soon as possible, as I fully intend to have finished this story before the year is up!**

**Thanks so much for all the reviews and favorites, you guys are fantastic! **

* * *

**Chapter 5: Asgard Gets a Violent Makeover, Odin Tries to Be Useful,**

**Frigga Kicks Butt, and the Angst Begins**

At the edge of the magical rainbow bridge, majestically overlooking the nine realms, stood a single regal figure, posture perfect as he surveyed the realms intently. Yes, Heimdall, the great guard of Asgard and watcher of the nine realms, had a pretty sweet job. However, there was no time to enjoy the beauty of the stars right now. No, Heimdall had a pressing task of utmost urgency at hand, one that required his full and undivided attention.

"Dangit, I don't care about sweeping views of London! Get to filming the reunion scene between Sherlock and John already!" he hissed, using his powers of sight to spy intently on the set of Sherlock Season Three. He narrowed his eyes, praying for a glimpse of Martin Freeman, or better yet, Benedict Cumbersfjagasoif.

"Alright, alrigghhhttt….oh! That's him! That's-"

_**BOOM!**_

"Dangit!" Heimdall swore as his spying was interrupted by the appearance of a large, floating Teen Titan's Tower.

Ahem- I mean the dark elves' evil ship of doom. Actually, it was less of an appearance, more of the sound of cannons being fired, seeing as the ship was using its cheap-shot invisibility factor. Heimdall growled.

"They DARE to meddle with my Sherlock watching! Those bloody elves will PAY!" And with that, Heimdall hefted his sword, leveled up in awesome badassness, and STABBED THAT SHIP IN THE GUT!

"TAKE THAT, MEDDLING ELVES!" Heimdall roared sparks exploded from the ship and it became visible.

"Dangit all!" Malekith swore from inside the ship. "Stupid Asgardians, stealing my thunder! Alright then, unleash my minion ships of terror!"

Poor, innocent, deprived-of-any-screen-time-whatsoever Asgardians shrieked and ran for cover as Malekith's army of evil minion ships blasted through the city, destroying whatever they could.

"Rats," muttered Heimdall. "This is definitely a bit not good."

As the audience cringed as the beautiful city of Asgard was destroyed, chaos was erupting in the golden glowy Asgardian dungeon. Prisoners and Asgardian soldiers ran back and forth screaming bloody murder, not entirely sure who the enemy was. Undead Algrim, who had magically turned into Undead-Flaming-Charcoal-Algrim, grinned evilly as he punched an Asgardian's face in, then barreled out of the prison, sending soldiers flying as he did.

"AGHHH!" the poor Asgardians soldiers cried.

"We've got no chance!" one sobbed as he was ran through with a spear. "How is this happening?! Asgard's forces should be stronger than this!"

"It's because we've been assigned the Red Shirts position, except in Asgard," another soldier sighed mournfully as his arm was lopped off. "Someone needs to die occasionally, and since none of us has a name, Thor the Eternal-Back-Up-Plan isn't here, and Loki's just sitting over there reading-"

"Hey!" Loki cried in irritation. "I'll have you know it takes a lot of skill to sit here looking gorgeous and reading a book while there's a battle being fought beside you!" He turned the page forcefully. "Plus, stupid Undead-Flaming-Charcoal-Algrim was an Odin-class jerk and didn't let me out."

"Well _anyways_," the soldier continued as he lost another arm, "We're irrelevant to the plot and may as well be dead already. The only one who's likely to survive is the poor underpaid guard, and that's only because the authoress likes him."

Sure enough, just as the poor underpaid guard was about to get decapitated, Thor blasted through the wall in a blaze of lightning and glorious sleeveless-ness.

"Yayyyy!" the Asgardians Red Shirts cried.

"Nooo!" the prisoners moaned.

"Curses!" Loki hissed as his slim window of screen time disappeared.

Thor smirked.

"Alright, suckers, taste the lightning!"

* * *

Up in the upper levels of Asgard, more Asgardian Red Shirts, led by Odin the dumb jerk, were fighting the dark elves' forces.

Wait- Odin was fighting? He was doing something other than sitting on his throne all day and watching his sons fight? He was being useful?!

"I _am_ the all-powerful king of Asgard for a reason, you know!" Odin growled, blasting dark elves away with his magic spear-thingy.

Aaaaaand you're still losing.

"Not for long!"

Ah well, this is boring anyways. Scene change!

"Nooooooo my screen time!"

* * *

Up in the even more upper levels of Asgard, Jane sat on a couch pouting.

"Dang authoress thinks she can just skip out on me and Thor's make-out scene," she muttered angrily. "Lazy, incompetent, romance-depriving-"

Okayyyy and with that, Malekith entered!

"Haha, Jane! I am here to reclaim what's rightfully mine! The screen time!" He boomed dramatically. Then hastily cleared his throat. "Ahem-I mean the Aether!"

"Well you can't have it!" Jane shrieked. "I worked hard for this screen time-ahem, I mean Aether- and it's mine!"

"Then I will forcefully take it from you!" Malekith cackled evilly. He sprang towards Jane, but he made it halfway before he was drop-kicked in the face by….

AWESOME BADASS FRIGGA! APPEARING AT LAST!

"About bloody time!" Frigga hissed, as she spun in a whirl of glorious beauty, good parenting skills, and utter badassness, slicing Malekith in the face with her wicked awesome knife. "Take this, elvish freak!"

"EEK!" Malekith screamed liked a little girl, jumping back. "I thought your only skill was being a decent parent!"

"Well it's not, pathetic worm!" Frigga sneered. She then executed a series of front flips and jumped up into a flying kick, sending Malekith crashing into the wall.

"Ack!" Malekith pushed himself up. "Alright, Frigga, enough showing off. Time to taste the badassery of the dark elves!"

Unfortunately, the apparent badassery of the dark elves was no match for Frigga's glorious fighting skills of awesomeness. She flipped away from his slicing sword strokes like a ninja, landing perfectly and whipping out a second knife. She grinned at him evilly.

"Prepare to die, elvish scum."

Malekith swallowed.

"Where's your army when you need it?!"

* * *

Back in the golden glowy depths of Asgard's dungeons, the fight was in full force. Thor hammered his way through escaped prisoners and dark elves, really wishing that the directors would let him actually use his lightning powers and stuff. Seeing as he was the god of thunder and storms and such, you'd really expect these awesome powers to come into play more. Seriously.

"Dangit, Loki!" Thor hissed as he ducked a hurtling spear. "I could use some help right now!"

"Suck it up, princess," Loki snipped. "As if I would use my precious powers on something as worthless as you."

"Brotherrrrrr!" Thor whined, looking hurt. "I said I was sorry for taking away your hairdressing privileges! Can we please just make up and get to the brotherly awesomeness already?"

"No!" Loki huffed, dropping his book and folding his arms. "Do you know how hard it was to compete with your hair even with a hairdresser? Now I'm ruined! Ruined, I tell you!"

"Oh for crying out loud!" Thor grunted as he smacked an elf in the face with his hammer. "All I have is my hair! You have your dark and tortured and angsty past and severe angst issues! I've got nothing compared to you! All I have going for me are my godly looks and ridiculously forgiving heart!"

"And, you know, a junk load of angst hurtling your way pretty soon," a soldier muttered as he flew by.

"Wait, what?"

"It matters not!" Loki cut in. "I'd never help you guys anyways! Father's being a jerk! Plus, I might, like, get stabbed in the stomach or something."

"Yeah, that'd really suck," Thor said thoughtfully as he nailed an escaped prisoner with his hammer. "I'd be devastated, especially seeing as I've already had to live through your death once. Better stay safe."

They both paused.

"Does this feel a bit like poorly executed foreshadowing to you?" Thor asked Loki.

"Nah, it's probably just the authoress' pathetic sense of humor."

"Right," Thor said, ducking a sword aimed at his head. "Now just let me-" he froze.

"What is it?" Loki asked urgently, kinda-sorta badly concealing his deeply hidden brotherly concern and feels.

"My Only-Decent-Parent aka Frigga senses are tingling! Crap! Farewell, redshirts, I am needed!" He then blasted off in a cloud of lightning.

"Rats!" groaned all the Asgardian Red Shirts.

* * *

Meanwhile, Malekith was getting the dark elf beaten out of him.

"Take that!" Frigga cried, slamming him into the floor. "And that!" she cried as she jumped on his back. "And that, and that, and that!" she yelled as she slammed his face repeatedly into the nice, shiny, and very hard Asgardian floor.

"_Ow, ow, ow_" Malekith sobbed. "This is ridiculous! Curse you, Asgardian queen!"

"Oh, shut your mouth!" Frigga said she neatly slapped his face, then continued to slam his face into the floor.

"Wow, Lady Frigga, you're awesome!" Jane breathed in awe.

"Why thank you, dear," Frigga said sweetly as she continued to beat the crap out of Malekith. "Now tell me, how are you and my son getting along? Is he being a perfect gentleman? He hasn't called you a mewling quim, has he? Please, for the love of Odin, tell me he hasn't called you a mewling quim."

"No m'am!" Jane said over Malekith's cries of pain. "He's been absolutely perfect!"

"That's wonderful, dear! Well, just let me know if you ever need anything. You have my full support."

"Aw, thank you, Lady Frigga! You're so kind and good at being a parent!"

"Thank you, dear. I try. One of us has to be, you know."

This sweet conversation was abruptly cut off as the door was blasted open Undead-And-Slightly-Less-Flaming-Charcoal-Algrim.

"Master!" he cried, staring at Malekith's pathetic bloody form. "I'll save you!"

"No!" Malekith whimpered. "Get the girl"

And before Frigga or Jane could react, Undead-And-No-Longer-Flaming-Charcoal-Algrim pounced on Jane! Except he ended up pouncing on smoke, because Frigga was awesome, and just ended up looking stupid as he face-planted on the floor.

"What the heck?!" Both dark elves cried.

"Haha, suckers!" Frigga gloated. "Loki's not the only one with magic!"

"Blast it all!" Undead Algrim seethed. He spun and grabbed Frigga by the neck.

"Oh crap, my badass has been restrained," Frigga muttered. Her eyes widened. "Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me!"

"Wait," Malekith said nervously. "We're actually going to be able to kill her?"

"I think so," Undead-Algrim gulped.

"Well rats," Frigga muttered. "And such little screen time. Well, cue the dramatic music!" The music intensified. Both dark elves stared at her nervously. "Oh for goodness' sakes, get on with it. There's only so much time in the movie, and I need my allotted time for a dramatic death scene." Malekith nodded.

"I really am sorry about this, Lady Frigga." Frigga rolled her eyes.

"Whatever, it's in the script. Now hurry up before Thor blasts your face off."

Malekith stabbed her.

"_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!""" **_Thor screamed.

"_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOASDHSASFDSLGKJHLGK;H;DKJO ;SJHLJAD;OFKHKGHJKDGKHSJKHJAFKHJSKGHH!"**_ the audience echoed in horror.

"Crap, my face!"

* * *

Several oceans' worth of tears and feels later, Frigga got an awesome funeral pyre scene. All of the surviving Asgardians watched with tear-filled eyes as she dissolved into stars and all the fallen warriors fell over the waterfall.

"My wife," Odin whispered sadly, slightly bearable for once.

"My lady," Heimdall echoed tearfully.

"Future mother-in-law," Jane sniffed sadly.

"WAAAHHHHASDFSAHGDSDKJHSFKLH NOOOOOOO MOMMMMMMMMM," Thor and Loki both sobbed from their respective places at the funeral and in the dungeon.

The sad music played softly, and not a single dry eye remained in the theater. Thor sniffed, wiping away his manly tears.

"Malekith will pay for this," he whispered angrily to himself. "It's high time Loki gets out of prison. Shit is about to go down, Asgard."

* * *

**Next Chapter: Thor plans a daring escape, Sif fights for her position as dominant female character, Odin is actually a villain (big surprise), and Loki's free! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello, hehe…I'm still alive! I am so sorry for the severe lack of any update, but I've been incredibly busy these last few weeks with finals and family coming in and Christmas stuff that my writing time completely disappeared on me. Here's an extra long chapter to make up for it, and I'll try to get the next one up as soon as possible!**

**Once again, thank you so much to everyone who left a review or favorite/followed this story. You guys are amazing!**

* * *

**Chapter Six: Dr. Selvig Tries to Salvage the Plot, Odin Reveals Himself as a Dumb Villain, **

**and Thor's Brilliant Plan Might Actually Work**

While the epic battle raged on and Asgard suffered extreme property damage, things on earth were boring and normal. Well, mostly normal.

"Hooray!" Britain cheered. "Asgard suffered the collateral damage! We're safe!"

"You might want to tell that to the random portal thingies we have floating around London," an official muttered.

"Hush! There's nothing suspicious going on here at all! Nope, nothing to cause worry! No one's even noticed the drunk physics but a bunch of kids and a few crazy people, so nothing can be proven!"

"All the important characters are still here, too."

"…rats. Anyone wanna buy that Darcy chick and Intern a ticket back to the U.S.?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Dr. Selvig, who was possibly more drunk than physics, was stealing Stan Lee's shoe.

"Blah blah blah worlds collide and physics and crap!" he cried passionately to the group of elderly people. "Basically, we're all screwed!"

"That's very nice," Stan Lee huffed. "However, once I've made this cameo I'm home free, sucker. I've got years of Marvel movies ahead to perform cameos in, so I'm off the kill list. You, however, are not. Now give me back my shoe!"

"They won't kill me off!" Dr. Selvig exclaimed. "I'm an important character who's had (if little) screentime! I have a name! They won't kill off a character people are familiar with!"

"Tell that to Frigga and Coulson!" Stan Lee called as he walked off.

"He makes a good point," Frigga muttered angrily from Asgard-heaven.

"I'M NOT DEAD!" Coulson shrieked.

"Lunatics," Dr. Selvig muttered. "At any rate. I have important plot junk to do! I still have life!" his face then transformed into a glow of happiness. "And look at all this unobstructed screen time I'm getting! There's no one to take it away from me! Ahahahaha-"

"Dr. Selvig!"

"Oh, curse it all!"

"Dr. Selvig!" Darcy cried as she sprinted through institution, dragging Intern- I mean, Ian, by the hand. "Dr. Selvig, we need your help!"

"Go away! You're stealing my screen time!"

"Oh, cry me a river! Jane's up in Asgard with Thor and Loki practically drowning in close-up emotional shots! We need to get up there!"

"Or get her back," Ian muttered. "Or, you know, focus on the actual problem on hand. Like the end of the world."

"It was never specifically stated that the world is going to end, Intern!" Darcy huffed, crossing her arms.

"I'm pretty sure it was implied," Dr. Selvig said. "Or, at least, we'd get plunged into eternal darkness. Which would make zero sense, to be honest."

"Oh shut up!" Darcy cried, glaring at them. "We're breaking you out and going to my apartment! Where we will devise a devious plan to overthrow the Jane/Loki/Thor trio and steal their screen time!"

"You know, there's a reason they've got all that screen time, Darcy," Ian sighed sadly.

"Yeah," Dr. Selvig echoed. "Have you seen their collective hair?"

"_We are going to plan now_!" Darcy growled, grabbing both men and dragging them out of the asylum.

"Okay , okay, just- watch out for those birds!"

* * *

Back in Asgard, Thor was getting very, very ticked off.

"YOU LOCKED UP MY GIRLFRIEND?!" he roared in anger.

"DO NOT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT, USELESS SON!" Odin roared back. "But yes, she's locked up. Hehehe! Don't worry though, it's a very comfortable prison. Not that she'll live that long to enjoy it, but oh well."

"WHAT?!" Thor grew angrier. If possible. "So let me get this straight. You're just going to lock up my poor innocent girlfriend and wait until the evil red glowy stuff eats her life force?"

"Yup, pretty much," Odin said. "It's for the best, my son. This way we can lure Malekith back into the city!"

"Are you _kidding_ me?" Thor shrieked. "After he decimated half our city, killed half our Red Shirt Soldier force, and, I don't know, KILLED MY MOTHER?! You want him to come _back?"_

"Hm, that does sound bad," Odin mused. "Why am I right, again? Oh yeah! It's better to keep the Aether under our watch where we can defend it, no matter the cost of life!"

"That's ridiculous!" Thor cried. "There are about a hundred better ways to do this! You're just sentencing us all to death! You're acting like Malekith!"

"The only difference between me and Malekith, stupid son," Odin boomed. "Is…there is none! Haha! We're both equally awesome at ruling and destroying our people! Woohoo!"

"WHAT?!"

"Uh, I mean, the only difference is that I will win! Hahaha!"

"I knew it!" Thor gasped. "You _are_ a villain!"

"Yes, you ignorant-I mean no! I'm a good guy!"

"Loki was right! I knew you were too much of a screw-up father to be a good guy-"

"I am a good guy!"

"-'only difference is that I'll win', please-"

"I'm the Allfather! Good!"

"-sneaking, lying, manipulative, father-"

"Gooooooood!"

"-should tell the whole of Asgard how you're sentencing them to death-"

"ENOUGH!" Odin roared. "I may appear to be a bad guy, but I am ruler of Asgard! Default good guy! And your girlfriend is staying locked up and we will fight Malekith again! Now go to your room!"

Thor glared at his father, then spun around, exiting the room while muttering under his breath.

"Fool," Odin sighed, relaxing on the throne. "Good thing he's too stupid to think up of a good plan to break Jane out."

* * *

"Thor, that's a brilliant plan to break Jane out!" Volstagg exclaimed happily, Fandral and Hogun both nodding their agreement.

"Jane, schmane," Sif muttered darkly. "I'm obviously the powerful female lead in this movie. Who needs her?"

"Thank you, my friends!" Thor said, ignoring Jane.

"Yeah just…why are we breaking Loki out again?" Fandral inquired.

"Uhhhhh…because brotherly feels-no…oh yeah! He knows the only way to get out of Asgard without using the Bifrost! Which Heimdall is being awesome and covering for us, by the way."

"Makes sense," the Warriors Three agreed.

"I can't _believe_ I'm breaking out useless scientist chick-"

"Alright!" Thor said hastily. "Let's go, team! Beginning awesome escape montage…now!"

* * *

Sif stormed down the halls of Asgard is a majestic huff of awesomeness.

"I don't _believe_ this," she hissed under her breath. "Stupid Thor…stupid Jane…stupid writers…could've had an awesome love triangle…worthy of many angsty fanfics….instead I have to share screen time with dumb sciencey Jane…" she continued her muttering until she reached the door of Jane's super-comfy prison. Two underpaid guards stared at her.

"Uh…my Lady Sif?" one gulped, eyeing her angry face warily.

"Anything we can help you with?" the other one asked nervously.

"Yes, actually!" She barked, causing both guards to jump in fright. "You can get out of my way!"

"But- we're under orders from Odin-"

"I _said,_ OUT OF MY WAY!"

"Yes, Lady Sif!" both guards screamed as they rushed away. Rolling her eyes, Sif kicked down the door.

"Thor! You've come at- oh, it's you," Jane said, looking disappointed from where she was sitting on hundreds of comfy pillows.

"Yes, it's _me_," Sif bit out. "Now, if you want to get out of here in one piece, you are going to act like the pathetic damsel in distress you should be and give me five more minutes of glorious female badassery before I lose my screen time for the rest of the movie."

"Excuse me-"

"DAMSEL IN DISTRESS NOW!"

* * *

Meanwhile, down in Asgard's golden glowy dungeon, Thor was putting phase two of his awesome, intelligent, plan into action. Not that it was going particularly well or anything.

"Loki, c'mon!" Thor begged. "I need your help! Don't you want to be free?"

"Go away, Thor!" Loki huffed, regally striding around his cell. "I'm obviously angstily angsting over my angsty angst while looking angstily attractive. I don't have time for this foolishness!"

"Come off it, brother!" Thor groaned. "And besides, I know you don't really look like that right now. We've both hit all-time low mother angst. We're pretty serious wrecks right now." At the mention of Frigga, Loki's eyes welled up with tears and his magic cover-thing dropped away, revealing him curled up on the floor with a snuggie, eating hundreds of gallons of ice cream.

"Mommmmmm!" He wailed.

"There there, bother," Thor said, patting, er, the force field comfortingly. "C'mon. We can avenge her!"

"Hmmm, I always did like vengeance," Loki muttered. "And I can serve it pretty cold, hehehe!"

"Brother, that was a horrible joke."

Five minutes later, the severely underpaid guard guarding the prison started. He heard…rap music coming down the hall? Turning in shock, his eyes were met with a sight rarely bestowed on anyone alive today, a sight only the privileged few have seen and others would die for. Walking down the hall, in all their regal Asgardian princely glory, perfectly shampooed hair gracefully falling around their shoulders, and looking as badass as anyone could look, were the majestic Thor and Loki, striding out of the prison with a coolness unknown to man.

It occurred to the underpaid guard that he ought to stop them, seeing as Odin had specific orders and all, but alas, the spell the princes of Asgard cast over anyone was simply too much. He simply stood there as they walked past, desperately wishing there was a rewind button.

"This is so cool, brother!" Loki crowed happily as they walked out of the prison. "I had no idea you could be such a rebel!"

"Well someone missed the entire first movie," Thor muttered. "And keep it down, will you? If anyone sees you, I'm dead!"

"Apologies," Loki said with a grin. He morphed into Thor. "That better?"

"What the- no! Now we look even weirder!"

"How about this?"

"Ack! No! Get me out this womanly form! It's awkward!"

"Fineeeeee. How about one of your Avenger friends?"

"My wha- oh sweet Valhalla, Loki, not Captain America."

"Killjoy."

"_Please_ not Stark!"

"This?"

"Loki, are you missing the inconspicuous part? The Hulk is the most conspicuous thing ever!"

"…now you just look like a dark elf rip-off. Nice golden hair, though. Is that a real bow?"

"…Loki please. I don't care if your hair is seventy feet long, you are not a woman."

"MILEY CYRUS?!"

* * *

Meanwhile, other stuff was going on that the Warriors Three were doing. Cool stuff. Yeah.

* * *

Down by the rainbow bridge, Odin was having a serious problem. The serious problem being his stupid, rebellious son was missing and someone opened the Bifrost. Coincidence? I think not!

"WHO DARES COMMIT SUCH TREASON AGAINST THE MIGHTY ALLFATHER!" Odin roared.

Heimdall turned to Odin, regret in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, my king, but the treason is mine." Odin gasped.

"Heimdall, why?" Heimdall, yanking off his helmet, stepped dramatically up on his ledge-thingy, and with grave dignity and awesome-speech power declared,

"Because, my king. Today, we are CANCELLING THE APOCALYPSE!"The cheers of Pacific Rim fans were heard in the distance. Odin and his guards just looked plain confused.

"Don't you mean Ragnarok?" Heimdall rolled his eyes.

"Ragnarok, the apocalypse, the end of the world, whatever. Either way, it sounds epic!" Odin just stared at him.

"Either way, you're going to the golden glowy dungeon, bud."

"Fine, fine. But first, don't you have an awesome chase sequence to be orchestrating?" Odin gasped (again).

"Thor's golden beard, you're right! Quickly, guards, chase down my rebellious wastrels of sons and their possessed girlfriend!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Thor was having a really crappy day. Rebelling against his crazy, questionally abusive father was not a thing to be taken lightly. Plus, his girlfriend had the essence of all evil and destruction eating away at her life, his mother was dead, Sif was going all angsty on him, half his city had been destroyed by an over-dramatic dark elf, and his brother was being dumb and unhelpful. Well, maybe that last one had something to do with the handcuffs...maybe he should unchain him actually. Except Loki would probably, like, chop off his hand or something if he unchained him. Maybe he should visit one of those therapist things Tony had mentioned…

"Thor!"

And oh yeah- this thrice-accursed ship from the depths of hell wouldn't start!

"AGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Thor yelled, slamming every single button he could.

"Brother, it's not working."

"You don't say!" Thor growled, three seconds away from slamming it with his hammer.

"I was merely trying to help!"

"Uggghhh," Jane moaned. This evil red glowy stuff giving her serious health issues. Plus, Sif hadn't exactly been gentle as she dragged her to where Thor was waiting. "Thorrrrr get us out of here!"

"Yeah, Thor, you heard your stupid mortal girlfriend! Get us out of here!"

"Hey! I'm not stupid!"

"Mortal, though. Sucks to be you!"

"Why you little-"

"Would you two shut up?!" And with a final slam from Thor, the three were enveloped in a blue field of technical readings and other dark elvish junk.

"Aha!" Thor cheered.

"Yay!" Jane squealed.

"Let me drive!" Loki cried.

"_No._" Came the flat reply as the ship rose, demolishing half the pillars in the hall.

"_Take that, stupid pillars,"_ Thor though as he smashed through the hall. "_I never liked you anyways."_

The ship increased in speed as Thor piloted it out of the hall and into Asgardian skies, zooming towards the Bifrost.

"Thor, I am obviously the better driver, give me the controls!" Loki whined.

"No! I was captain of a starship for twelve minutes and I saved eight hundred lives! I dare you to do better!"

"Hehhh?" was all Loki and Jane could manage.

"And my son captains a starship around the galaxy, boldly going where no man has- oh, uh, sorry- wrong movie. Anyways, my point is, I'm flying!"

"Not for long! Give me the controls you stupid brother!"

"Never! Besides, I'm the only one who can actually fly! Ha!"

"Hey, I flew!"

"No you didn't!"

"Yes huh! I flew off the Bifrost remember?"

"THAT WAS FALLING!"

"With style! Now give me the controls!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"_No!"_

"_Yes!"_

"NO!"

"YES!"

Jane rolled her eyes and covered her ears so her eardrums weren't shattered from all the shrieking.

"All-powerful princely gods my foot," she muttered darkly. "More like toddlers in tiaras."

As the ship jerked wildly side to side, Odin's Asgardian red shirts in ships finally caught up with them.

"Fire on the treasonous wastrels!" one cried. Thor, Jane, and Loki shrieked as their ship was pummeled with laser fire.

"Great! What does your brilliant plan have us do now, brother?" Loki yelled.

"This!" Thor said, shoving Loki out the window with and evil grin.

"DANGIT THOR I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MEEEEEeeeeee!" Loki cried as he fell.

"Hehe, that's for the knife in the side, sucker," Thor cackled as he picked up Jane, following Loki out the window. He landed perfectly on the surface of Fandral's ship with considerable more grace than Loki.

"Stupid brother," Loki moaned from where he lay face-planted on the deck.

"Oh, suck it up," Thor said. "You ready, Fandral?"

"Yeah, yeah," Fandral sighed. "At least I got one cool scene." He hoisted a rope. "For Asgard," he deadpanned, then swung neatly off the small ship and onto the flying Asgardian red shirts' warship.

"Aggghhhhhhh!" they shrieked as Fandral shoved his sword through their controls, laughing madly. The ship swung out of control, careening towards the ocean.

"Haha!" Thor cried. "My plan is working!"

"Your plan is painful," Loki muttered, rubbing his face.

"I think it's a great plan!" Jane said. "Except _how the heck are we getting out of Asgard?!_"

"Oh yeah," Thor said. "Uhhhhh Loki?"

"No. I've changed my mind."

"I was only joking when I shoved you off, Loki! I'm sorry!"

"Not good enough."

"Pleaseeee?"

"Nope."

"I'll buy you more ice cream!"

"…double chocolate moose tracks?"

"Yes! Anything! Promise!"

"Alright alright," Loki sighed. "The things I do for you." He grabbed the steering wheel then thrust the ship towards a giant rock.

"LOKI WHAT THE HECK?!"

"SHUT UP, THOR! I'M DEMONSTRATING HOW SMART I AM-"

The rest of Loki's sentence was cut off as the ship sped through the small crevice in the rock, scraping its way into the next world. The sons of Odin and their sidekick/girlfriend were gone.

"Rats!" Odin cried.

* * *

**Next Chapter: Our three heroes arrive at the suspiciously well-lit world, Thor's next plan doesn't go quite as well, Jane learns to fly, and a lot of emotional crappy stuff happens.**


End file.
